Patrick Alexander's Personal Internet

Writing

Boop

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Boop

No-one could believe the man went “Boop.” But there it was, all over the news: “Boopity boop boop.” We were all pretty angry at first, but his childlike innocence won our hearts, and then he taught us to hope again. One day he just disappeared – I think he went back to Heaven.

The Man Who Hated

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Man Who Hated

The man hated everyone. He crouched behind a rock and hated them. “Grrr,” he went. “Bah!” he thought. He hated them so much, it gave him a headache, which made him hate them even more.

One day the rock fell on him, and he bled to death in the sun.

Oliver Twist

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Oliver Twist

Oliver and a hundred other orphans lived in misery. To pass the time, they made Oliver ask Harry Secombe for a second helping of gruel.

“Please sir,” Oliver stammered, meekly proffering his bowl, “can I have some more?”

“More?!” bellowed Harry Secombe, his eyeballs inflated with passion. “Of course you may have more, you poor, weak child! I didn’t realise you were so hungry. Who else would like some more?”

Soon every boy was enjoying a fresh bowl of piping hot gruel. Then there were fat sausages, and creamy mashed potato, and trifle for dessert. Merriment filled the hall, and Harry Secombe’s cheeks were so rosy, and his laughter so jolly, it seemed to the orphans that Father Christmas was among them.

Harry Secombe threw his arms wide. “Parents for everybody!” he cried.

The Old Dog

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Old Dog

Boy, that dog was old. Then it died.

Lemonade

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Lemonade

Ma used to make lemonade. I remember it, just like I remember the old farm.

One time, some events happened. Looking back, I realise that was the end of my childhood.

People change, but I’ll never forget the taste of Ma’s lemonade.

The Voice

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Voice

Max picked up the phone. “Who is this?”

“I’m you, Max. I’ve been you all along.”

Max realised the voice was right. It was spooky!

Heaving Romance

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Heaving Romance

They met tumultuously. Soon Ronaldo clutched her bosoms like a man, and she surrendered her rude bits.

That spring, and every spring thereafter, they were married.

The Dentist

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Dentist

The dentist filled the hole in the man’s tooth.

Later, the man died from tooth poisoning. The dentist was a spy!

Grinkles

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Grinkles

Grinkles was a funny little goblin. Grinkles loved cabbages!

One day he went shopping and the shop had no cabbages left. He exploded inside. It felt like his mind was a pinball, in a violent rally between the bumpers of fury and depression.

He made a ten minute video blog about the injustice he had suffered, and put it on YouTube. Everyone in the world agreed that he was a whingeing little fatty fat fuckface.

Hitler’s Kitten

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Hitler’s Kitten

Hitler had a kitten growing from the side of his neck. He poked at his Froot Loops lamely, unable to focus his thoughts.

“I have powers,” rasped the kitten. Hitler felt as though he was an inch away from the world; as though he had woken up and remained asleep. The kitten purred, but perhaps it was Hitler’s neighbour mowing the lawn.

The next day, Hitler was tending his vegetable garden and found buried treasure. He was rich forever! The kitten screamed inside his mind.