Patrick Alexander's Personal Internet

Grinkles

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Grinkles

Grinkles was a funny little goblin. Grinkles loved cabbages!

One day he went shopping and the shop had no cabbages left. He exploded inside. It felt like his mind was a pinball, in a violent rally between the bumpers of fury and depression.

He made a ten minute video blog about the injustice he had suffered, and put it on YouTube. Everyone in the world agreed that he was a whingeing little fatty fat fuckface.

Hitler’s Kitten

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Hitler’s Kitten

Hitler had a kitten growing from the side of his neck. He poked at his Froot Loops lamely, unable to focus his thoughts.

“I have powers,” rasped the kitten. Hitler felt as though he was an inch away from the world; as though he had woken up and remained asleep. The kitten purred, but perhaps it was Hitler’s neighbour mowing the lawn.

The next day, Hitler was tending his vegetable garden and found buried treasure. He was rich forever! The kitten screamed inside his mind.

The Studying

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Studying

Rebecca studied for her test the next day. Study study study, she went.

“What are you studying?” asked her friend.

“I am studying the word ‘study’,” said Rebecca. It was a surprise twist ending.

Frank the Sheep

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Frank the Sheep

Frank was a sheep who lived on a hill. Each day he ate grass.

One day the grass politely asked him to stop it. But Frank did not comprehend language, and kept eating.

“Say ‘baa’ if you’re a dickhead,” said the grass.

“Baaaaaa!” went Frank.

The Man With a Face

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Man With a Face

“You ought to get that looked at,” said his doctor.

The doctor couldn’t look at it himself because he was blind, and he was blind because he had no face. “Why don’t you have a face?” asked the man.

“I’m afraid I’m symbolic,” said the doctor.

“You ought to get that looked at,” said the man.

The Night Spot

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Night Spot

He drained his glass, returned it to the bar with a confident-sounding clunk, and turned to meet her gaze. “So, Angela, do you have a boyfriend?”

She almost giggled. “No, I don’t.”

“Ha ha, I knew it!” he laughed. “You fat spaz.”

Harry Potter

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Harry Potter

Harry Potter lived under the stairs. His aunt and uncle locked him there.

One day a wizard came for Harry. “Harry, you are special and have a secret!” he declared. “The secret is that you are really a puppy.”

The wizard turned Harry into a puppy forever.

His aunt and uncle had been trying to protect him.

Insufficient Stories

Insufficient Stories is the title I’ve given to a project I’ve been working on bit by bit, little by little, for a few years now. I started writing tiny little stories in my free time; they accumulated; I did some live readings; I kept writing them; and now I’ve made videos of them. I decided I would make these videos once I had 31 stories: one story each day for a whole month; like a Bible devotional but funnier. But after recording the videos I discovered I’d miscounted, so there’s 32.

The shortest of these stories is eight words; the longest is 1900-odd. In a slightly-more-than-a-month-long special event, they will be published on this website (with full text) and on my tumblr (video only), one story per day, starting January 12th and ending February 12th. (You could also follow along by subscribing to my youtube channel.)

I’m eager and excited to read these stories to you, in pre-recorded form! They are funny and weird and people like them, and at one point, I believe I may have written the most beautifully executed pussy joke in the history of the form. It’s pretty high-level but I’m confident that by the time we get there, you’ll be well convinced of my genius and, for that reason, paying close attention. If we work together we can pull it off I reckon. But just in case you’re not up to it, please share these videos with all your friends and followers. Let’s journey together into etc. etc.

Oh and even though it’s just videos of a dude sitting in a room, reading at the camera from a book, I expect to receive Insufficient Stories fan art before the slightly-more-than-a-month is out; I want to be quite firm about that from the outset, thank you.

You can now buy prints.

URL tnj-tomo weh-line raym-treehouse raym-rainbow eegra-xmas

Truly announcing my deeply official society6 store:

Patrick Alexander Monetises His Assets!

Right now boasting a shitload of art prints, hopefully including all the pictures from recent-ish years about which you have said to me, “I’d love to buy a print of that.” But if not, please tell me what’s missing — I’ll clean it up and make it available. (This invitation includes comic pages too, not just illustrations.)

I can put these pictures on other products as well, like t-shirts, smartphone cases, wall clocks and so on, but they require a little extra design work, so if there’s something in particular you’d like to see, let me know.

So! This is nice.

PIN ME TO YOUR WALL.

You might be an Introvert if…

Do you spend more time on the internet than you should? Does the sudden brutal stabbing murder of a loved one give you feels? Can you remember at least one incident from high school that bothered you in some way? Relax; you’re not crazy — you’re an introvert! Welcome to the club!

Still not sure? Take a look at these telltale signs, compiled by someone who nearly looked up ‘introvert’ in a dictionary.

introvert-title

You read books

Only introverts know how to read. If you enjoy this quirky, archaic pastime, you might just be an introvert!

You go shopping by yourself

Sure, it seems pretty ‘weird’, but you can do without the normal entourage required to pop down the shops for milk and bread. You see a gang of twelve to fifteen fashionable kids crowded in the freezer aisle, gabbing into their mobile phones while all cooperatively picking up the same packet of frozen peas and placing it into their single shared trolley and think, “No thanks; I like cats!”

You like cats

Or dogs. Or one single dog. Anything mammalian, really, and birds too even. Most people punch a baby rabbit in the face every morning before breakfast, so if you see a baby rabbit and go, “Aw, so cute,” you’re probably an introvert.

You like to stay at home

Normal people literally explode if they stay in the same room for more than an hour, which is why they’re always dancing in the street, paragliding, swimming to the moon etc. If you get home from a hard day’s work and just want to relax on the couch with a hot cup of tea, guess what, you big ol’ introvert? That’s right it means you are one.

You’re intelligent, creative and thoughtful

Wouldn’t you know it, introverts are all of these! Heaps more than the average ‘popular’ moron.

You have a rich inner world

Your inner world is just so rich, what with all of your observations about things; it’s a pity most people are too busy going “Blah blah blah, shopping, television!” to notice. But someone willing to humbly defer to your hidden genius will discover that you are a brilliant conversationalist who knows about a band.

You need your quiet time and personal space

Extroverts sometimes run up to you, wild-eyed, and just start yelling; just “AAAAARGH!!! AAAAAAAAARGH!!!” at the top of their lungs, their face an inch away from your own. Most people would be like, “Who’s this sexy extrovert? I wanna get down with this person,” but an introvert like you is more likely to think, “Yikes! I’m uncomfortable.”

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So if you’re an introvert, don’t worry! There are others like you, out there somewhere, suffering the same nearly-monthly indignity of someone saying, “Are you okay?” or “Wow, you came!” to them. Just remember: being an introvert makes you special and interesting, like a black or a gay. Let’s show some introvert pride!