Patrick Alexander's Personal Internet

January, 2015:

Lemonade

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Lemonade

Ma used to make lemonade. I remember it, just like I remember the old farm.

One time, some events happened. Looking back, I realise that was the end of my childhood.

People change, but I’ll never forget the taste of Ma’s lemonade.

The Voice

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Voice

Max picked up the phone. “Who is this?”

“I’m you, Max. I’ve been you all along.”

Max realised the voice was right. It was spooky!

Heaving Romance

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Heaving Romance

They met tumultuously. Soon Ronaldo clutched her bosoms like a man, and she surrendered her rude bits.

That spring, and every spring thereafter, they were married.

The Dentist

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Dentist

The dentist filled the hole in the man’s tooth.

Later, the man died from tooth poisoning. The dentist was a spy!

Grinkles

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Grinkles

Grinkles was a funny little goblin. Grinkles loved cabbages!

One day he went shopping and the shop had no cabbages left. He exploded inside. It felt like his mind was a pinball, in a violent rally between the bumpers of fury and depression.

He made a ten minute video blog about the injustice he had suffered, and put it on YouTube. Everyone in the world agreed that he was a whingeing little fatty fat fuckface.

Hitler’s Kitten

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Hitler’s Kitten

Hitler had a kitten growing from the side of his neck. He poked at his Froot Loops lamely, unable to focus his thoughts.

“I have powers,” rasped the kitten. Hitler felt as though he was an inch away from the world; as though he had woken up and remained asleep. The kitten purred, but perhaps it was Hitler’s neighbour mowing the lawn.

The next day, Hitler was tending his vegetable garden and found buried treasure. He was rich forever! The kitten screamed inside his mind.

The Studying

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Studying

Rebecca studied for her test the next day. Study study study, she went.

“What are you studying?” asked her friend.

“I am studying the word ‘study’,” said Rebecca. It was a surprise twist ending.

Frank the Sheep

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

Frank the Sheep

Frank was a sheep who lived on a hill. Each day he ate grass.

One day the grass politely asked him to stop it. But Frank did not comprehend language, and kept eating.

“Say ‘baa’ if you’re a dickhead,” said the grass.

“Baaaaaa!” went Frank.

The Man With a Face

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Man With a Face

“You ought to get that looked at,” said his doctor.

The doctor couldn’t look at it himself because he was blind, and he was blind because he had no face. “Why don’t you have a face?” asked the man.

“I’m afraid I’m symbolic,” said the doctor.

“You ought to get that looked at,” said the man.

The Night Spot

Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

The Night Spot

He drained his glass, returned it to the bar with a confident-sounding clunk, and turned to meet her gaze. “So, Angela, do you have a boyfriend?”

She almost giggled. “No, I don’t.”

“Ha ha, I knew it!” he laughed. “You fat spaz.”